We donapos;t write like we used to around here. As our lives move toward adulthood, our livejournals have taken up their place in the dusty corners of our calendars and planners. I think thatapos;s ok, and I think we all knew it was going to happen. But for the sake of memories, and because I personally will still write in here and in my new online�journal, I feel like I�have to announce a little bit about what has happened in my life in the past half a year.
The most important thing to mention, I�think, is that I�broke up with Zoran. I was the one who officially did it, said the last word, although we both wanted the end to happen. We were speaking on the phone, having another fight that wasnapos;t quite a fight. I finally stopped in the parking lot of a little Evanston�restaurant that sells fried chicken. I donapos;t remember what I really said. I remember that I cried a lot and drove away from the restaurant. I finally parked my�car underneath tall trees near my dorm,�and I�cried some more in my car. It was late evening. I called my Mom, and I�cried. I called my Dad, and I cried. I went to my room�to cry some more.�
The break up had been looming on the horizon for some time.�My Mom has�asked me many times why it happened. Iapos;ve tried to explain the break�up to many friends.�It�seems that every time I explain it, I say something�different. There seems to�be�thousands of�little explanations of why we were incompatible. I am always late to everything,�including picking him up for the�airport.�I�am terrible at managing or saving money. (I am great at�increasing my credit card debt.) He is too ordered, too structured. He wouldnapos;t�go to the zoo with me on a whim. He didnapos;t like walking through alleys. He yelled at me when I was not aggressive�while driving. He likes small talk,�I do not like small talk. The list could go on and�on.�I thought he was too materialistic. I buy my clothing on sales only.
In the end, if�I absolutely had to summarize it, we just ended up going�in different directions. He started law school�this fall and bought a condo in downtown Chicago. I�graduated college, and I�donapos;t know where the hell Iapos;m going next.�My friend Kathy says that I�like free falling�through life. This may be�true, but it is certainly a topic for�a separate entry.
I was with Zoran for three and a half years, and most of�this time�was absolutely wonderful. I cannot put into words how much he�meant to me. How much�I�learned about love, relationships, the world.�Our relationship to me will always be�a moment of closeness, us in�our little apartment, together on the�green sofa, watching TV, playing on the computer, eating�a snack. Close, close, close.�
I�gave him a ride about a week and a half ago from Chicago to his parentsapos; house. I was driving back to my Momapos;s house, and it was on the way. Before seeing his parents, we stopped at Target to buy a photo frame; he was going to surprise his Mom with a photo of him and his younger brother, taken in New Orleans. We were�walking around�the store, bouncing�from soap dispensers to photo frames to book shelves.�He gently grabbed�my hand, and I asked, "I thought we�didnapos;t do that anymore." He said, "I just want to hold your paw now." And for�a few moments, we walked hand in hand through�Target,�like we used to be. Except we let go a few minutes later, and at the check out, we were still only friends. I donapos;t think we miss the existence of one another anymore. When�I fall asleep, I do not think of him. But I still miss the existence of us, and the memory of our little world still hurts. Iapos;m not sure if that pain ever goes away. The end of a�long relationship is always the death of�certain dreams and illusions.�
I�met�Zoran on October the 4th, 2003. We�began dating almost a year later. I donapos;t remember when we broke up. It was sometime this spring, and the weather was already�warm.�It could have�been March, April, May. It was sometime this spring.
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